Top XXV Signs Your SUV is Too Damn Big By: Known Associate 25. Standard features included "personal escalators" for driver and passenger doors and a hydraulic lift for the rear. 24. The Red Cross approaches you about using it as a quick response refugee camp. 23. The local building inspector fines you for building an addition to your house without a permit. 22. Truck drivers look up as you pass and motion for you to honk your horn.

21. The only place you can park at the local mall is the loading dock.

20. People mistake you for the 4:15 when you pull up next to a bus stop.

19. The Monster Truck Association revokes your membership because even they have limits.

18. In an uncharacteristic effort to be more discrete Bill Clinton asks if he can borrow it as a "mobile orgy machine." Offers pardon if you'll drive.

17. You need the "Friends and Family" cellular plan to talk to the people in the back seat.

16. You come back from Mexico to find you unwittingly smuggled 3 families across the border.

15. Tired of plane delays and cancellations NASA asks if you'll transport the shuttle back to the launch site.

14. A drug dealer is arrested while driving the same model loaded with enough coke "to keep George W. Bush high for the rest of his term." The White House responds with "Pres Bush is sniff...er...looking very closely in this matter."

13. Forget the kid's soccer team. You have enough room to transport the entire 82nd Airborne Division including support staff, equipment, weapons, and groupies.

12. Your gas consumption per week equals that of Eastern Europe.

11. Texas is now only 3rd largest state in the US.

10. You have to call On-Star to help you find your way from the back to the front.

9. Can easily fit Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Al Gore, and their egos.

8. Blowout from Firestone tires takes out entire town of Downers Grove, IL.

7. Oil pan leak causes worst environmental disaster since Exxon Valdez.

6. Your teenage son is arrested for hosting the largest illegal rave in the Tri-State area's history in the back.

5. The Great Wall of China is no longer the only man-made object visible from space to the naked eye.

4. Governor Davis asks you for a jump to power northern California.

3. The earthquake in the Northwestern US was actually you going too fast over a speed bump.

2. Your SUV was the inspiration for the UTMC motto FTFS (Fucking Trucks Fucking Suck).

1. The name of your SUV is
MegaColosalSuperKing-SizedHumongouslyGiganticBigAssNoOneCouldEverUseThisMuch Space Sports Utility Vehicle.

Although not currently a rider of motorcycles, Known Associate has been hanging around the 667 and the rest of us freaks for quite some time and has a knac for coming up with some seriously witty stuff. We'll get him on a bike sooner or later tho, just a matter of time really. Replies may be sent to pvawter@du.edu.