He Who Dies with the Most Toys Loses By: Revrend Jon April 19, 2001 I was watching the TV above the counter at a local diner the other day, which has become my last remaining source of mass-media intake. Some banal morning show was airing a segment about all the new entertainment gadgets which are now available for cars, featuring some guy from an e-business called coolshit.com or something like that.

the first toy was an MP3 player which holds (honestly and lo lie) 1,000 hours of music in its on-board memory. Jane Soccermom will never lack for distractions again as she precariously pilots her Navigator whilst simultaneously searching the tiny LCD screen for "You Light Up My Life" amongst the other 20,000 or so songs stored in the player's memory. When she ploughs her brand new land-yacht right through the storefront of her favorite chain coffee bar, killing herself and everyone inside, even the police will be smart enough to figure out how it happened when they see the blue glow of the MP3 player's display winking out from inside the wreckage. Now that's crashing in style. Next up is a DVD player with a 6" or so LCD screen, like the kind they have on airplanes. This handy little gadget is great for keeping the kids quietly stupefied in the back seat on those long, boring family trips. And even Dad can enjoy the distractions- I'm sure he'll just love war movies with loud explosions at unpredictable times, or movies with car-chase scenes, complete with screeching tires and wailing sirens. "It's about improving the Driving Experience for everybody," insists Mr. Coolshit. Everybody, that is, except the poor bastard that Dad rams into while he's busy fiddling with his gadgets. Einstein once said that no problem can be solved at the same level of consciousness which created the problem, and I think we have a perfect example of that here. Why do you suppose that drivers feel that the Driving Experience is sufficiently lacking that they require additional sensory stimulation just to be able to stand it? Can it be because there is, in fact, no experience inherent to the so-called Driving Experience? The automobile is, in point of fact, designed to remove any experiential aspect by insulating the occupants from all sensory input. In the modern automobile, the occupants are carefully sheltered from any discomfort by windshields, roofs, air conditioning systems and soundproof body panels. You are, in fact, hermetically sealed in a box which is not entirely unlike a coffin with wheels, inching miserably along in a row of others who are similarly sealed in their own rolling coffins. Since the problem was created by technology, is it not logical to surmise that the solution might be the removal of technology? Would the kids require additional sensory stimulation if they were traveling by motorcycle? Or on horseback? Or even on foot through the woods? In case you didn't already know it, life begins when you turn the gadgets off. Life begins when you leave the office. Life begins when you throw out your Dockers. There is no gadget on earth which will make your drive to work a pleasurable experience. Blowing your entire roll on coolshit.com will not change this. Neither will any amount of televisual stupefaction add meaning to an essentially hollow experience. But of course, if you're reading this, you already know that. So what are you still doing on the computer? Spring is here! Turn the fucking thing off already, and go outside. Ride forever, -Rev. J Rev. Jon is 30 years old, hacks code for a living and has recently finished a masters degree in mathematics at Drexel University. He runs the Malcontent Yuppie Biker's Homepage, and is also an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. (Check out the ULC if you too want to become an ordained minister over the web. This is not a joke, and it's perfectly legal). The Reverend's hobbies include dabbling in art, music, winemaking and fiction writing. He rides his ass off on his little black Sportster whenever possible.