How to get out of speeding tickets By: Beemer Dan It's the same old story, you're blasting along on your bike having a nice time darting through the traffic and getting ahead of all the morons in SUV's. Then it happens, you look in your rear view and see Johnny Law stuck to your six with all the lights in Vegas wagging at ya. Sometimes the rush of adrenaline kicks in, the momentary panic, excuses run through your brain. Above all else is the humiliation in getting spotted, it seems like the only cars that actually notice bikes are the wankers in blue with the radar pistol. So what to do, you've been pulled over and unless you're real lucky you're gonna get slapped with at best a fifty smacker fine and at worst a night or two in the pokey. Here's how to get real lucky. (Disclaimer: The methods and advice in this article have worked very well for me. Although I reccomend the following tactics, I take no responsiblility if you get beat up by cops, get your bike impounded, thrown in prison for life, get beat up by felons, get rectally violated, lose your friends, get disowned by your family, your dog hates you, etc, etc, etc... Use at your own damn risk)

So that happens to me one day on the way to the barber shop. I tried agruing with the cop to no avail, 2 points and 70 bux. I proceeded to my destination, got in the big comfy chair and sought the advice of my barber, Goldwin B. Smith. Here is a man from the old school days of the barber shop. It was a place where only men went, and where the man with the scissors was not only a master trained in the tonsorial arts, but also a wise friend. Goldwin, was a scholar of polotics, society, history and religon, he probably could have gotten several PHd's if he wanted them.

He asked me a simple question:

"Have you ever tried being polite and respectful, and simply telling the officer you were guilty and deserved a ticket?"

Now this was a bold new approach, admit I'm guilty! Well nothing else seemed to work. Goldwin told me that he hadn't had a ticket in years, after receiving that advice from a police officer who was one of his customers. One of Goldwin's favorite theories was that sincerity was the best social lubricant, and the best way to get where you need to be. It all made sense tho, almost every time police pull someone over, they have to deal with a bad attitude, or someone claiming to be innocent, or in a hurry......whatever, everyone has an excuse but nobody will simply take reponsibility for their actions. I figured it may be worth a shot, an it's worked seven out of eight times for me. Below is a list of advice that should help you get nothing more that a warning the next time you are pulled over for speeding:


1. Pull over to a safe area immedeately when they light up the cherries.
-This will let them know that you have no intention of trying to get away.

2. As soon as you pull over, shut off the bike and remove your helmet or sunglasses.
-This will let the officer know that you aren't going anywhere. The removal of the helmet and sunglasses (always keep these in plain view) will make you appear more human, cops hate it when they cant see your face or eyes.

3. Have your license, registration and proof of insurance ready by the time the officer gets to the bike.
- This lets the officer know that you will cooperate and trust thier judgement in pulling you over (even if you don't).
- Always make sure to have your license, registration and proof of insurance up to date, the lack of any one of these will usually insure that you'll go home with a ticket. Also, most people in motorcycle accidents do not have these three things, the fact that you have them places you in much better company in the officers eyes.

4. Be polite and respectful to the officer, make no excuses.
- Everyone they pull over has a reason for breaking the law, they don't want to hear any of them. The cop has more than likely been dealing with yahoos all day that treat them like crap, if you are the first person to be nice to them, they'll go alot easier on you.

5. Admit you're guilty and tell the officer that you deserve a ticket.
- This one is optional, if you admit your guilt you will have no chance of fighting the ticket in court. On the other hand, fighting a ticket in court is generally a lost cause anyway, the city wants your money, the judge works for the city. Unless you have dead solid proof you're innocent the cards are stacked against you. The good part about admitting guilt and asking for the ticket is that it will throw the officer off completley, it's the last thing they're expecting.
- If the cop is running a speedtrap, they just may give you the ticket anyway, but they may give you a lesser offense, or maybe just a warning. Just remember that agruing or making excuses will get you nowhere. A lesser ticket is better than the full smackdown.

6. Answers to the usual questions:

Cop: Do yo know how fast you were going?
You: If I was paying attention to that we wouldn't be here,I must have going too fast.
(cops love to tell you how fast you were going, like that matters. Pretend it does, act embarrased)

Cop: Where are you coming from/ going to?

This is one of the safest questions they can ask, if you're coming from a bar, don't lie. Lots of more recent police officers aren't allowed to smoke, this means they have a good sense of smell, they know a bar denzine from ten feet away. Never tell them you're going to or from any sort of party, that will make them suspicious. Always know the streets or landmarks of where you are going to/from. Telling the cop that you're going to work or home makes you sound more responsible, but only tell this if it is reasonably close to the truth. Remember that lying is an art, a good lie has truth in most of it's facts, if you can't lie extremely well, don't do it, the cops interrogate people for a living.

Cop: Where do you live?

Remember that they have your ID in thier hand, be honest. If you are far from home they may inquire as to why you are on thier beat, once again, be honest. How often are you really out to knock over a bank, or deal some drugs or blow up a building? If you are just off to Sears to get a couple of wrenches they won't care, they just want a response that is non menacing. Alot of people get offended by this one, that's why they ask it. If you tell them where you're going they generally won't push the question further.

Cop: Do you have any warrants?

If you have none, no worries. If you might or you know you do, tell them you don't. You have thus far proven yourself to be polite, honest and respectful. It's possible they will run your lisence, but not likely, if they do the penalty will likely not be any worse for lying.

7. Usually at this point the cop will give you a warning and maybe a lecture. Listen and make eye contact, pay attention to what they say and agree with them. If they give a warning thank them and apologise for wasting thier time. Try not to leave until after they do, if you do anyhting wrong when they are still watching you're screwed blue. On the other hand don't wait more than a minute or so, you don't want a ticket for loitering eh?

8. Ride away calmly.

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Things that help:

A bike that is not excessivley loud, especially in residential areas.

Always have up to date lisence, registration and insurance.

Wear your gear! A helmet, gloves, jacket and boots, it makes you appear more responsible and will save you lectures.

A well kept appearance and good hygene. Cops deal with unwashed bozos with bad breath all the time, you don't want to get lumped in with them. Long hair, piercings, facial hair and tattoos aren't going to make things go worse if you have good hygene, are wearing clean clothes and are polite, honest and respectful.

Cooperate with the officer, be respectful. Remember, the cop has the ability to make your day really, really, really, shitty.

Things that don't help:

Don't drink and ride, if you're drunk you WILL go to jail

Don't lie or argue if you can help it. Do you really know how fast you were really going? Do you know how long the cop has been watching you? The cop has been dealing with bullshitters, whiners, beggars and beligerent morons all day, they all got tickets.

Don't smoke when the cop is talking to you, they may have just had to quit smoking for thier job, or they may hate smoke. Regardless, in the cops eyes you may be two minutes from a jail cell, a smoke break doesen't make it seem like you are taking things too seriously. If for some reason you need to smoke wait until the cop goes back to the car to run your lisence. With any luck the cop won't be doing that, but it won't seem disrespectful at that point. Always make sure to put the ciggarette out when you are done, also, pick up the butt and put it in your pocket. If they inquire as to why you put the butt in your pocket, tell them you're in enough trouble already, a littering fine is the last thing you need.

Some cops have prejudeces against certain things, skin color, religon, clothing styles, etc. You can't do anything about this, complaining won't help, it sucks and it's bullshit. If you happen to get it on video, you might be in luck, otherwise just be happy you don't live in Yugoslavia, or Russia, or South Africa.

Don't scream about your rights or tell the cop how to do his/her job. That is a recipe for instant asshole and a fast ride to a holding cell.

So fellow law breakers, enjoy your ride, enjoy the speed and good luck outsmarting the man. May you avoid your next ticket and keep your lisence where it belongs.

ps. To any cops reading this and getting all hot under the collar, remember, we are getting out of the ticket by being polite and trying to make your job easier. It's alot better than dealing with the usual folx eh?